Nuts about Sex

I posted this in a forum on one of the portals where guys were talking about "Why gay men are nuts about sex?"


A man is a man whether hetrosexual or homosexual. By nature man tends to explore, exploit and try new avenues, new opportunities more enthusiastically as compared to a woman. Call it naturalization over a period of centuries or blame it to genes. Coming back to the notion that homosexual men are more voluptuous than hetrosexual men, I consider that its not true. My belief is that a hetrosexual man is equally as voluptuous as a homosexual.


When a hetro man comes across a woman, he can not ask the woman for a sexual encounter on the very first time. By nature women are patient, not as voluptuous as men and they search for protection, love and care from men. Hence a hetro man needs to be more patient and thoughtful in his dealing with a woman. Though the equation is changing rapidly with the changing world. But when a homosexual man comes across another homosexual man, he doesnt need to be patient and win the trust of the man, since he is dealing with a man and not a woman. They both are men and can express their desires more explicitly to each other.


Humans want to feel protected, loved, desired and cared and lack of these feelings make us feel insecure. Hetrosexual man and woman can express these feelings publicly without thinking if others are are taking a note or not since it is socially accepted. They can hug, kiss and hold hands in public and make their partners feel comfortable and desired. A gay man also desires the same coz the feelings are the same but he cannot express in public. Most of the times a gay man doesn't want a sexual encounter at all. All he wants to feel another person, get close, sit together and be cosy. Lack of acceptance for expression of love and affection causes insecurity. Hetro man enjoys the acceptance hence he isn't insecure inside.


Second reason is the non-exceptance of homosexuality in society. Gays cannot meet and talk about homosexuality, relationships in a public forums. They cannot holds hands, feel the warmth or show their affection in public. A gay man cannot kiss his boy-friend on lips on his birthday party. A man kissing a man on lips is a social taboo. There are hundreds of such instances and day to day life compulsions. They are forced to go behind closed doors to express their feelings, pain, desires and affection. Absence of natural vents to emote and express oneself builds a strong urge inside and any meeting with a homosexual man brings an opportunity to vent out the strong urge to feel a man, his body which invariably ends into a sexual encounter.


Third is the lack of community feeling - homosexual men are split in small groups. There is a lack of wise, mentally mature men who have the drive to act as mentors. Who can act as community leaders and coming out with events and social get togethers. Here, I am not talking about the gay parties but social events: a weekend trip to a nearby location, trekking, creative forums which will build a community feeling and bring gays together. Events which are more than an instrument to know more new faces and one night stands. To make a way into the society, we will have to act as socially responsible individuals, there is no other way out for social acceptance.

I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my toes...

I met A on May 31, 2004 on a hot, dry and sultry evening exactly at 5pm near Saket in Delhi. We came across each other through one of the forums most commonly used by men like A and me. We had been talking to each other over the phone for the past one week or so. The first thing that I liked about him was his baritone voice. He had always been full of fun and laughter over the phone. I was looking forward to meet him. Initially as it generaly happens, he introduced himself with a different name. The hesitance, doubts and perhaps some fear associated meeting men online had been the cause. I was 23 then and he was almost 7 years elder to me, working as a fashion designer. I am definitely not the phone guy. Cant talk over the phone for more than five minutes. I would convey what I want to and then say good bye. But, when he wud call, we would be talking for long, almost 20 to 30 minutes and that was pretty long for me. I still remember one night we talked for almost one hour and I was surprised at myself. And all this while we really didnt talk anything about each other. All we did was laughing on his silly jokes and puns. He would crack jokes on himself, his nose, his attire and his car and I would keep smiling and laughing.

So we met as planned. That was a sunday evening and we drove towards Gurgaon. After exchanging initial greetings we started talking about work, life and life in general. He was confident, articulate, intelligent, fun, warm, with a crazy knack for cracking jokes. It was real hard parking the car in the parking lot near City Center on a sunday evening in Gurgaon. And i couldnt find a single line of slightest of worry or anger. He kept cracking one liners on the people around and the parking lot guys. He was definitely a great amuser.

:P

While sitting at one of the eating joints, we talked about the grey part of our lives which for both of us was something very intimate and somehow we both shared it with each other. He was the first man I met with whom i talked so closely about my past life. Each of our lives is full of different shades of colors. Some are vibrant hues of good times while the others are the darker ones which we really dont want to share with every one but a very close few. That evening we spent 5 hours together and I must admit, I had developed a soft corner for him on that very day. We departed around 10 something in the night. On my way back home I sms him saying it was a real pleasure meeting him and the reply I received was really surprising.

And so we began talking over the phone. We both had pretty busy schedule, his was more hectic then mine. I had been working with a BPO for the past one year and thankfully I didnt have to burn the midnight oil. I was enjoying my work and it was great working with a bunch of cool interesting people at work. But now I had another reason for being happier. A was a busy guy, working 9 to 6 and then spending another 2 hours in the gym, then taking some time out for family. Most of our conversations happend only after I reached back home at midnight. And I was surprised to see how I am able to talk for more than an hour every night which had never been the case before.

I was falling in love with this man. I would be thinking about him and smiling my way while working and started making the most stupid of mistakes which reflected in the performance report of June. To say in a nutshell, he was all over me. One night, I came back from home and the moment I entered my room, A called up asking if I reached home. When I said yes, he asked me if I was wearing a black trousers and a blue shirt. I thought he must have seen me on my way to office or while coming back. The he laughed and said that I am too lost in my own world that I didnt even notice a smart man waiting for me two meters away from me while i was striding towards my room. He was so true. I had always been in my won world of thoughts, less concerned about the world immediate next to me. I never in my thoughts imagined that he would come to see me at that point of time. That night he took me to his home and showed me the recordings of his shows and work. I had always been curious about designs, clothes, architecture and interiors. He would tell me the small little things of designing, different kind of clothes, texture, prices, and places to hunt for the right stuff. Needless to say we shared some intimates moments as well.

Video Clip

Came across a video clip on google video.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-664831100536363106&q=gay

Today, I wish...

Today, I want to walk with someone
Today, I want to touch someone
Today, I want to hold someone
Today, I want to kiss someone


One
who hasn't lost himself
his faith
his spirit
his warmth
his sensitivity
his courage
his soul
imitating the crowd


One
who has the courage
to fail
to love
to cry
to stand up
to shout
when the going gets tough


A man who can
walk with a pauper
eat a loaf of bread
sleep under the stars
play with the street children
give a stranger a helping hand
without loathe

Just a man with in the simplest of sense

Role Models Required!!!

"Out" is the term used to distinguish men who decided to reveal their sexual orientation to family and friends. There are a number of factors affecting the decision taken by a man to be "out" to the society. The most important is the belief in self and being comfortable with his sexuality. Being self reliant is another factor which affects the decision. Ask me, I am still not "out" to my family, though a couple of my friends are aware of my orientation. Why I am not "out" to my family? Because I know that my family will not be able to understand the fact that being gay is not un-natural. I can’t see the future but I understand that a couple of years after my revelation are not going to be good. So will I ever reveal my sexuality to my parents? I will try not to. Because I don’t want to put them through mental trauma at this age. But that does not translate into that I will give in to marry to a lady. I have been a rebel all my life. So they understand that if I am determined not to marry, I will not.

I don’t believe in wearing the gay badge on my chest. Sexual orientation is one facet of my personality and it does not define my personality. My sexuality or for that matter any individual’s sexual orientation is a private matter and what one does behind the closed doors need not to be discussed in public. So what’s the need for me or for other homosexual men to declare to the world about their sexuality? The revelation should be limited to close friends who are evolved enough to understand that being homosexual in orientation is natural and normal.

There is a strong need to reveal our sexual orientation. So that when we find out love interest, we can confidentaly bring it out to our friends with straight orientation. So that we can sit with ease in a pub on any given day and can share good laugh with other friends without bothering about what are we discussing. So that we don't manipulate every second sentence we say about our personal lives. So that we can have a social life. So that we dont have to fight with our conscience all our lives. So that we don't lead a dual life. So that being homosexual is not considered as a stigma at least.

Bobby Darling is a good example to cite here. Bobby belongs to that small percentage of people – irrespective of sexuality - who love to live life in the flamboyant style. I respect his boldness but he is a man with little brains and uses his flashy ways to portrait homosexual men in India which is completely an untrue / incomplete picture. Homosexuals are being typecast as feminine in their conduct and behaviour. Men who are selfish, morally corrupt men always involved in sexual pleasures, men with no social accountability leading an aimless life. This is an incomplete picture. The facts are true but can not represent the gay society in India as a whole. What is true is that there is a small fraction of homosexual men who lead an aimless life, they do not have moral values, they are selfish but isn’t that true in case of straight men as well. Rapes, robberies, murders, criminal cases represent this faction of society irrespective of sexual orientation. Using these statements as a tool against homosexuality is what causing the damage.

What is hidden is that faction of homosexual men who have decided to remain behind the closed doors. Men who have reached the top echelons in their careers. Men who have made a mark in the society through their social accountability and who have done distinguished work in their respective fields of work. These are the men who should come out to the society and become the role models for other homosexual men. The homosexual society in India is lacking role models and the flamboyant men from fashion fraternity, page three crowds, socialite circle and other media are being copied and copied and copied…

I have come across men who have been instrumental bringing key changes in their respective fields. Homosexual men are in Government services till the level of civil servants. Homosexual men are across industries from entry level executives to the CEOs, CFOs, and partners. These men have been living a dual life all through out. The higher they reached in their careers, the more they gained trust, respect and created a place for themselves where their voices are being heard. Well, it’s a matter of personal choice, as I said earlier, why I should shout about my sexuality considering it is my personal affair. Somewhere this mindset needs to be changed. ..

What's your take on it?

Parallel Planes of Life

I have been fiddling with the idea to chronicle my experiences of past twenty five years since I have been walking on this earth. My first thoughts of penning down my life cropped up when I left my town the third time. The first time I left home was to work as a Medical Representative and I returned home on the 33rd day with a pay cheque of rupees 2800. Second time I left home was when I was crippled with a lot of un-fateful, dramatic events happening in life. All these events happened one after the other, as they say – it never rains but pours. I had exhausted all my energy to fight back, I needed a rescue and the best possible option I could think of at that point of time was to leave the place I was living in (not my home) for good. I returned back after three months. Somehow the candle in the wind was still fluttering and the fait in self had survived.


To make life more eventful or say spicy (for some) or as I say insightful is the fact that I am a homosexual man born in India. Now, that is not something astonishing or revealing. There are millions of others in this nation with similar orientation. I used the word insightful since we men experience what the society of straight men and women does not. Every day we go through a bull fight played on the grounds of our minds. Irrespective of gender and orientation, we all wish to create a space in society, a place of our own i.e. social acceptance. We want people around us to look at us with dignity, our voices are heard and some of us also wish to make a positive impact on society.


Now coming back to the lives of homosexual men in India, most of us are born in closed limits of acceptance. That is, our parents, relatives, neighbours and community all together have formed an invisible, unspoken limit of actions, deeds and behaviour of conduct. The extent of limits depends on the socio economic background of each of us. Some of the fortunate ones are born in families with more acceptance and resilience. These families or the cluster of families scattered around the cities have been the forerunners of changes in society. They were exposed to latest thought ware and experienced the changes as they happened. So men with homosexual orientation born in such families, realize their orientation at an early age due to exposure to media (print, online and television), talks at home, schools and liberal social forums. If you look around, you will find that in these fore runner families have accepted their children with homosexual orientation.


Another cluster of homosexual men are those who have been born in the lower and upper middle class (as they say) of society. You will find the most of the most fortunate and most unfortunate homosexual men in middle class. An example will explain: I met a banker two months back - a man in late twenties - married for more than two years. He opted for this posting hundreds of miles away from his home town just to escape facing his wife. Born and brought in the capital of one of the northern states of India. Belonged to the middle of the middle-class. His father retired as a manager of nationalized bank. The thrust was always on studies and achieving something which his father could not achieve. It was very obvious from his demeanour that he has always been the most obedient child to his parents. Parents wanted him to be an engineer - he did. Parents wanted him to get a management degree – he did. Parents wanted him to get marry – he did. The soul now manages millions worth of fund for investors, but could not manage his life. He didn’t have the courage to stand against marriage. What reason to give for not getting married? Fear of losing family support, alienation from relatives, stinking remarks, and above all the so called stigma from society of being a gay man stopped him to declare the truth to his family. There are hundreds of thousands of men around like this banker, even some of you reading this blog.