It’s been more than six months since I last posted on the blog. Initially I was required at home and later I found myself entangled in a lot of threads. I hit the pubs and came across a few more men through RJ. Every interaction with these men brought me a lot of uneasiness. There was this whole world created through words and imaginary self imposed characters and I was there in between all of them –like Alice in Wonderland – trying to figure out what’s happening? RJ and I met through one of the gay personal websites. He introduced me to the small circle of his friends.
One of them was Saahil, and soon we found that we work with the same organization. Saahil just had a break up with his boyfriend for four years - Kamal - and was going through the trauma of settling down with the vacuum created by the absence of Kamal. Saahil wanted his love to be back but perhaps this was not the intension of Kamal. The roots of the breakup were there in infidelity. Though technically both men were together for almost four years but individually they both have been enjoying physical intimacy with other men as well. The frequency was high for Kamal and as per Saahil; he too was going out with other men because Kamal was doing it as well. There had been high pitched arguments between the two around the question of infidelity. Saahil was honest to admit whatever he did but most of the times Kamal didn’t admit his sexual escapades and reluctantly admitted a few of the sexual intimacies. Saahil heard a lot about Kamal’s infidelity through their common friends. And perhaps, after being together for a good time, you invariably understand the tone, body language and signs – which clearly point out that something is hidden somewhere. There were more arguments, squabbles, and fights around the issue. A major fight broke out on Kamal’s birthday. He was abusive, uncontrollable in an inebriated state. He broke bottles, fought with friends, tore off clothes, and abused everyone at the party. Perhaps that accident was the last nail in the coffin and the relationship died then and there in front of several pair of eyes.
Every now and then Saahil and Kamal pop up in my mind and I try to figure out an answer as elusive to me as it is to others. What makes a relationship tick? What makes it keep going for years to count? What is central in a relationship: sex, love or something more than that? If it is sex, then perhaps a relationship will be as long as the partners find each other novel and interesting. The day there enters another man with more wilderness and novelty, the decay of the relationship begins. Is love the cornerstone of a successful relationship? There are two facts about love – it happens by itself and no amount of romantic drives, cozy dinners, gifts can induce love in someone’s heart. You fall for a person, for his traits and not for the dinners, drives and gifts. There is another truth about love. It’s dangerous… You do not know what trait of a man strikes the cord in your heart and all other aspects of the person become trivia. And if the love interest has more negative traits than positive ones, then the relationship becomes a double edged sword. On one side is this affection to the man and then there are a few other aspects of his personality which you are uncomfortable about.
I believe there is a third dimension to a relationship apart from love and sex – Respect. You might share a highly invigorating time in bed but you also want to feel great about your partner beyond the bed. You want look at him and say proudly that yes, this is the person I want to build a meaningful life with. You want to like your partner for what he is and what he wants to be. You want your partner to stand tall in your eyes. You might like and respect the fact that your partner takes pain to strike a balance between his professional life and personal commitments. You might like and respect him for his varied interests in life beyond the usual ones – partying, clubbing, dancing, and shopping. You might like and respect him for his dedication to a certain cause. You want to feel great to introduce your partner to your friends and may be family as well. When you respect each other, you also respect the individual characteristics that distinguish both of you. Mutual respect – to a greater extent - also checks you from wandering off to other men. Invariably you tend to compare your partner with other men and when you find your partner has more positives than this other fellow whom you just met accidentally or purposefully, you soak in the pride of having a great person in your life and feel yourself lucky. Perhaps, lack of respect for each other was one reason for the decay of Saahil and Kamal’s four year long relationship. Is it a triangle with love, mutual respect and a good intimate life on its three sides which needs to be balanced for building a beautiful, meaningful relationship? Let me know what you think about it.
